At the end of the day, every video game you play is a simulator of some sort. It might be one where you are simulating fighting off a zombie apocalypse, fighting off the Russian army, or living the life of an Italian plumber who has an affinity for mushrooms and jumping on turtles. Today, we’re looking at something a little different, where you live the thrilling life of someone who works on a Freightliner in Ships Simulator.  Since I reside in a mostly landlocked state in the midwest portion of the US, I don’t really have much experience with the idea of working on a freight carrier, and even after playing this game, I don’t have any interest in it. In real life, or otherwise.

To call this a video game is a bit of a disservice to every other game on the market, as this is an experience that is much more in line with one of those new hire orientation videos you’re shown in training at any corporation you choose to seek employment with, or at it’s best, something that you’d interact with while completing online courses from the University of Nowhere. If you’ve ever played any of the other titles released in the past decade with “simulator” in the title, you know what you’re signing up for, and whether you found those engaging or not will likely depend on where you land with this release. I am someone who has sampled a few of these when released on Game Pass or as a free promo, but never made it much further than the tutorial largely due to the overall jank, cumbersome menus, and lack of depth. It’s all busy work and this is no different.

You begin the experience by selecting a ship that needs more than a little work, fixing it up, and then moving on to the missions associated with the vessel you chose all while trying to keep a balanced budget. I started with the freight ship which was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo, and was in about the same condition you’d expect after said dildo was forced into Marvel Comics’ The Thing for 48 hours straight by The Hulk. To start, I had to blow about half of my budget on repairing the vessel, since I skipped the duct tape option, which is a thing where you can kind of repair as opposed to replacing crucial parts, but logic tells me if I am sailing across the ocean, I don’t want to risk taking on water due to some Dollar Tree grade duct tape.

Up until this point, everything I had done had taken place within menus that left me fighting sleep, since the navigation is not only sluggish, but imprecise. This issue carried over to the reverse claw machine that is stacking crates onto the ship using a crane. This was not only difficult to maneuver due to the counterintuitive controls, but a lack of direction that left me spending about an hour shuffling back and forth looking for where the hell to drop the container onto the ship. There was no outline of a target location, and anywhere I tried to drop it was not accepted by the game, which left me slowly descending into a state of rage that I haven’t felt since playing Agony a while back. Realistically, I feel like it would’ve been easier to hop into a real-life crane and move the steel container, or at least, drop it on the boss’ Lexus which would have brought me more joy than playing this title.

The presentation is passable for this style of game, but isn’t anything to write a message in a bottle over. The font types you’ll stare at within the menus are all super basic and the music is what I can only assume is some free stock tunes that were generated by a bored AI that I muted as quickly as possible. Again, I have never spent time out at sea, but I feel like if the seamen are going to play something to pass the time, it would be Metallica or some old-school country music, not this jaunty tune that I would expect in a platformer aimed at children. The visuals are just as bland, easily conveying what objects are on screen, but lacking anything that would remotely feel like you’re interacting in a living world.

As someone who has a genetic disposition that makes me bad at budgeting, and an attention span of a goldfish that struggles with staying awake during menial tasks, Ships Simulator was probably one of the least enjoyable games I have ever reviewed, let alone played. This is the video game equivalent of dipping crackers into milk, and unless you are suffering from insomnia, have an affinity for simulator-style games, or long for your glory days of sailing the high seas, this one isn’t for you.

1 out of 10

Pros

• It Cured My Insomnia

Cons

• Bland Presentation
• Lack of Direction
• Cumbersome Controls

Ships Simulator was developed by FragOut and published by Ultimate Games S.A. The game is available on X1. The game was provided to us for review on X1 and reviewed on an XSX. If you’d like to see more of Ships Simulator, check out the Xbox site.

 

Here at GBG we use a rating method that you are more than likely familiar with – a scale of 1 to 10. For clarification, we intend on using the entire scale: 1-4 is something you should probably avoid paying for; 5-7 is something that is worth playing, but probably not at full price; 8-10 is a great title that you can feel confident about buying. If you have any questions or comments about how we rate a game, please let us know.

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